lonely (alive)

On the first day of this year I broke up with my boyfriend and vowed to stay broken for the entire year.

Breathe in.

It’s almost October.

Breathe out.

It’s almost forever.

***

Why aspire to brokenness? Well because it is my own brokenness. Nobody decided it would be mine and nobody would own that part of me, or any part of me.

I would be mine and mine alone.

Something I have come to realise in the last year is that it’s very hard to exist in a world as an independent feminist and co-exist with someone. It takes a very particular, very confident, very smart kind of human to complement a powerful woman.

Most people are not that. This year has actually been quite easy for me in a lot of ways.

Retrospectively it’s very easy to look through my crowd of friends and see who was too much woman for whom. I’ve seen some of the most beautiful, strong, confident, daring, free women reduced to stripped back ghosts of their former selves, because to do so would mean keeping some douche happy enough to stay with her.

I really fucking hate that. We need to reframe the way we think about our private relationships. What is the power dynamic here? Do I have any power here, any control? Or have I reduced myself to a caricature just to stay in the game?

It’s easy to forget what you are. I mean really forget yourself. My identity – the person I feel I am today – was carved out of a kind of sadness, a kind of darkness. I had to persevere through a rough patch that lasted years. I had to be strong. I had no other choice.

But it follows you around, the fact that you had to trade something to become whole again, to be a fully formed human. You gave in to that urge, that calling. Here, take this fragment of my soul for peace of mind. Here, take this self-esteem and confidence so I could get through emotionally abusive and controlling relationships.

And so it is that I am here today. Still fragile like a porcelain doll, but as strong as though I had been put back together with steel. And no less determined to see it through to the end. I can’t afford to trade more of my soul for the highly inflated price of contentment. I want more, I want to grab it in my hands and hold it for a while.

I want to trade it all back.

In favour of wholeness.

***

“i love myself.’

the
quietest.
simplest.
most
powerful.
revolution.
ever.”
Nayyirah Waheed

“no’
might make them angry
but
it will make
you
free.”
Nayyirah Waheed

“I want to live so densely. lush. and slow in the next few years, that a year becomes ten years, and my past becomes only a page in the book of my life.”
Nayyirah Waheed

“go.
enjoy.
leave.
it was all about you, anyway.”
Nayyirah Waheed, salt.

“Just because someone desires you, it does not mean they value you.

Read it over.

Again

And let those words resonate in your mind.”
Nayyirah Waheed

“the truth is
you were born for you.
you were wanted by you.
you came for you.
you are here for you.
your existence is yours.
yes.”
Nayyirah Waheed, Nejma

“in our own ways we all break. it is okay to hold your heart outside of your body for days. months. years. at a time. – heal”
Nayyirah Waheed, salt.

“i am mine.
before i am ever anyone else’s.”
Nayyirah Waheed, Nejma

3 thoughts on “lonely (alive)

  1. This literally brought a tear to my eye, tiny. You really know how to put torment into the most beautiful words! Living for me and being true to my own heart is something I have to remind myself of every day. But you know what? I feel like I can move mountains with that thought. Sometimes I feel like if there is a God, I’ll go to hell for no longer fearing him. If I do, the last thing he’ll see as I fall will be my middle finger. 😉

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