the crazy dreams

A big opportunity is skyrocketing towards me. Tomorrow is judgement day. I’m not nervous. I’m floating through a dream.

***

When I was 19 I was all over MySpace. Mainly because I had a crush on a boy in a band. Prior to that I remember being on the train at age 18 and listening to young teeny boppers discuss their vapid lives before validating it all with a ‘Myspace ya later’.

These words were foreign to me. I dismissed the salutation as child’s play.

And then of course, my overwhelming and inexplicable crush occurred and that was the end of that and the start of my burgeoning social media career and part time comedy routine.

At some point that whole crazy MySpace shebang led me to discover a casting call looking for presenters in a television documentary series. You had to be young, smart, interesting and have opinions. But the catch 22 was you had to create a video of yourself, answering some questions. I didn’t have the time, the resources or the confidence to do this, so I did a written application.

Out of thousands, they whittled it down to 25. I was one in a handful who had been chosen from a written application.

I was over the moon. The words had prevailed.

And then I lost my part time job the day before the audition, due to some shifty backstabbing and dodgy claims that I was ‘going to a competitor’ (I wasn’t, they were jerks).

So naturally I walked into the audition with the heaviest of stomachs. It didn’t help that prior to my audition I had met an attractive girl who hosted her own radio program for SBS (where the show was going to be aired). She was confident and knew how these things worked. The vox pops didn’t scare her. I didn’t even know there were going to be vox pops or, let’s be honest, what a vox pop even was.

I nervously told the producers that I had never considered myself for television, even if other people had declared with confidence that I should try it. I said I was not fit to be in front of the cameras, but behind them, writing the scripts, calling the shots (great way to start an audition).

They asked me why I had applied to be a presenter. They admitted my application was brilliantly written, one of the best of its kind. Why not keep at the writing?

I blanked. Pause. Awkward. Not sure what to say. And then.

‘Because something needs to change in our society and I believe I’m the person to elicit that change’.

And then.

‘I want to be scared out of my wits’

‘Are you scared now?’, she asked me.

I told her yes, I was petrified. I had only just learnt what a vox pop was. In the worst part of Darlinghurst.

I already knew on the car ride home that I didn’t make it. I had deliberately sabotaged myself and I wasn’t ready to be terrified just yet.

I didn’t know what I wanted then. Not many 19-year-olds do. But at 24 I’m wondering if the stars have realigned themselves to give me a second chance. If I’m ready to be terrified again but this time, nail the dismount coming out.

Tomorrow.

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